I am not certain when I will get
around to posting this. Probably at my normal time. But I am writing this at
about 4:30 in the morning. Way back when this blog first started I warned you
guys. You have to get a good healthy amount of sleep.
In those first few days, it wasn’t
hard. You were so tired from all the hard work to secure this place that you
were practically asleep before your head hit the pillow. Then there was a
stretch, after the place was secure, where I found myself staring up at the
ceiling in the middle of the night.
Insomnia sucks. No doubt about it. My
problem is that my brain just kept tumbling scenarios over and over in my head.
“Well, what do we do if this happens? And what if this happens?” You can drive
yourself crazy with such thoughts.
But then you begin to settle in. You
begin to accept that this is your reality now. The mind just begins to cope and
understand and eventually accept. I think that is when the brain begins to shut
down at night and you are allowed to sleep properly again.
Having a warm and comfortable bed is
helpful too. And then if you are really lucky, you have someone to sleep next
to you. I have the warm bed. I don’t have the person to sleep next to.
Admittedly, this is my own choice. As much as I want to, as much as long for
physical contact, I don’t know if I can allow myself to be that vulnerable
again.
But this… this is something different.
This recent bought of insomnia is something strange. It has a different feel to
it. The problem is that when you are not getting a solid amount of sleep, you
walk around in this haze.
I tell myself to just lay down but
then my mind just reels with possibilities of what if scenarios. And I hate
that. It is like I cannot shut my brain off. And then when it is time to get up
and everyone is all rested, I feel like I just swallowed a whole handful of
Tylenol PM.
I don’t know if this is some warning –
a foreboding, a harbinger – warning me that something dark is just over the
horizon. Maybe tonight sleep will be better and then maybe I will be too…
