I like to think that
I have been pretty honest in this whole blog thing and I see no need to hold
back now. It seems like a lot times this week, I’ve caught myself thinking
about my wife. Not so much thinking about her as my wife but thinking more
about me as a husband. I guess it is because on this week – if this were the
real world – I would be developing my plans for Valentine’s Day.
Now, admittedly, way
back when, I did not give the whole nine yards every holiday. I tried my best
but it is hard when you are living on limited means. But I still think I tried
my best. I remember this one year that I had the financial wherewithal to provide
my wife with a number of gifts and romantic trinkets. It was nothing
dramatically over the top. It was mainly thoughtful, romantic stuff. This
translates into silky pajamas, a nice collection of roses, a thoughtful custom
card, and cubic Zirconium earrings as opposed to g-strings, edible body paints
and handcuffs. It was the more traditional Valentine’s Day stuff. It was nice,
somewhat elegant and as expensive as I could afford.
Everything that I
bought was a reflection – a symbol – of my love, if you will. The pajamas were silky and comfortable but not
sexy dirty. I bought earrings I thought she would look nice wearing. A rose
that says, “I love you.” Dorky stuffed animals that are cutesy and fun. I did
all this to say, “On today of all days, I love you. This is a small reflection
of my love for you.” Those were my exact intentions as I perused the “love
aisle” at Walmart. Yeah, that I was balling so much I could afford Walmart.
And I suffered for
this. I remember as I was walking around the women’s department looking for
pajamas and undergarments, I was getting some pretty strange looks and the
ladies working said department. There was the inevitable “Can I help you find
something?” I was smart to have all the hearts and flowery things and stuffed animals
already in my cart that I could point to and say, “Valentines Day shopping for
my wife…”
But the point of all
this is that I went to task this holiday with the best of intentions in my
heart. Sure, I was anticipating a little carnal reciprocation, but I went into
this wanting to show my wife how much I love her. What I did NOT do was
purchase said items saying, “Well, this ought to keep her from bitching.” Or
“This should get her to shut up.” Or “This should keep me out of the doghouse.”
[All of these phrases I heard from pathetic husbands who were shopping last
year in a GROCERY STORE for gifts for their significant others.]
I always said if you
are grumbling these sentiments as you are passing over your money at the cash
register, chances are your whole life is in the doghouse. Why? Because you were
doomed from the start. That pathetic looking rose and the half-eaten box of
chocolates was not bought to be a symbol of love. You bought it so you didn’t
have to hear her gripe… And, to me, that indicates problems on both ends of the
relationship.
Of course, my
marriage ended up in the toilet so you can come back and say, “What the hell
does this guy know?” But, man, I miss doing stuff like that. And I guess on
today of all days, it got me thinking about all the stuff that I have lost. I
think about all the stuff we considered to be important that has been taken
from us. All those menial, trivial things brought me a tremendous sense of
pleasure.
It makes me wonder if
my priorities were out of whack. Or maybe they were right all along. I will
admit it. I miss all that meaningless stuff. And I am also tired of being
alone.
