I think in a
situation like the one that we are in, you have to learn how to switch your
emotions off. Without doing this, the sheer horror and weight of what we are
experiencing will cripple you. I think it is pretty obvious that the loss of
both Fred and Janet hit me pretty hard. You want to be mad. You want them back.
But all that is just wasted energy. They are gone and there is nothing I can do
about it. Instead, the only thing I can do is move forward. That is the only
healthy thing you can do to stay sane in an insane world.
And I had this
philosophy down cold, man. And then Jennifer found this. I didn’t think I could
take a good enough picture of the letter, so I transcribed what she wrote.
October 27th,
2013
Dear
Ryan,
It has been almost a month since we
have lost Fred. I know how much you loved him and I know his loss hit you
harder than most. Fred was our leader. I think everyone agreed on that. I know
you didn’t want the mantle of leadership and I know it was thrust upon you.
But, honestly, you have really stepped up into the leadership role. And I know
that it is because of your decisions and your plans (going all the way back to
the beginning of this) that we are still alive.
I am very proud of who you have
become. I still remember you first coming to work here at the store when you
were in high school. To see you mature, how you have handled the stress of this
nightmare, and – most importantly – how you are a father to Alex… Ryan, I know
your mother is watching you from Heaven and is so proud of you.
I know that you doubt yourself at
times. I wish you could see what I see. Your strength and determination to keep
us all safe is really amazing. I know we have had many conversations and I wish
you would have taken more time to come to my bible study sessions. I am not
trying to convert you here. I know you are walking the same path that I am on.
You just may not realize it. You just seem to instinctively know the
right path.
Please don’t give up hope, Ryan. I
cannot even begin to fathom why such a horrific event has happened. Maybe it is
not for us to know in this life. But maybe we are focusing on the wrong things.
Maybe we should be proud of the fact that we have survived. Maybe we shouldn’t
dwell on the fact that everything has gone so wrong. Maybe we should focus on
what has gone right.
You have brought us here, Mr. Mathews.
And for that, I am proud of you. We all are. I cannot say how much time all of
us have left in this world but it is our task to endure as long as possible.
Keep leading us forward and I will stand behind you.
Love,
Janet
Psalm 71:14
For
the record, I had no idea what the bible verse was so I had to look it up. It
says, “But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.” Yep, leave it to Janet to stir
emotions in me after her was gone. I am still not buying in with the whole
prayer thing. But if I have a prayer, let it be this: I hope I am the right man
for the job.
