I wish I could fill this entry with
jokes like I try to do on Saturdays but I just cannot bring myself to joke
around. December 10th was my birthday. I was too busy contemplating
the future and trying to scrub the bloodstains off of the Back Room floor to
even be able to note it.
I just… I don’t even know…
Okay, screw it. I’ve always been
honest on here. No reason to stop now. So this is just between you and me. My
fellow survivors don’t read this blog which might be a good thing because this
is something that I just cannot admit to anyone else. I remember when things
were really bad in my life. And I prayed and I prayed. Did I get what I wanted?
No. And all anyone could tell me was, “Well, God knows what is best for you.”
Garth Brooks even wrote a freaking song about it.
So, riddle me this, Batman. If you
can pray all you want and God won’t answer you because He knows what is best
for you, then what is the point of praying? What good does it freaking do?
Nothing. Because whatever is going to happen is going to happen. I mean, is
that how people justify things. Well, we are all just threads in a tapestry and
we don’t know what impacts our lives are going to be down the road. So why do
anything?
Look, I believe in God. I believe in
a higher power. I do. As to what form that higher power takes, I have no idea.
Maybe it is Jesus. Maybe it is some amalgam of all the different religions. But
here is what I know.
Janet
believed.
Without a doubt, Janet believed. She
studied the bible so much she taught freaking Sunday school classes. She was
this beacon of faith. Was born again. Proudly proclaimed it to anyone who would
listen. And how was she rewarded for all this faith?
Yeah. She died screaming.
God’s most faithful follower in this
whole group has chunks of her neck ripped from her body and she dies cold and
alone on the Back Room floor because we were too busy trying to turn back the
tide of the zoms threatening to overwhelm us.
Tell me where the justice is in
that. I remember this quote from a Jewish captive at Auschwitz saying something
like, “If there is a God, He owes me an apology.” Well, wherever Janet went
when she died – and I hope she is with my mother – well the guy with the big
“G” on his sweatshirt needs to pay her dividends for how she went out.
Explain to me how that is fair. Janet
could pull bible quotes and references out of thin air. Not only could she
quote the stuff (because I think anyone can do that) but she understood the
context. She understood who was saying it and why and the relevance to the
quote in conjunction with the rest of the book. But she dies by bleeding out on
cold concrete.
And here I am, completely wandering
and meandering when it comes to issues of faith and the afterlife… and I am
still going strong.
To me, this is one of those things
where if this is all part of some sort of divine will or some master plan, I
seriously don’t get it. I still want to subscribe to the idea of free will.
Maybe we are responsible.
But if this is how He lets his
faithful die… then I don’t want to believe in Him.
