Here is something that you “city folk”
might not know. If you are going to have a snake on your property, the one you
want is a black snake. The reason why is because they are nonpoisonous and they
are fiercely territorial. This means they drive off all the other snakes,
including the poisonous ones.
So we are curious to know how zombies
work. In theory, if there are too many zoms limping around in one area, we have
reason to believe that an exodus might be in order. Otherwise, why would we see
so many shambling packs of these things traveling down the highway? Obviously,
they are looking for a more viable food source. So a fairly large city like
Claremore gets overrun. The whole population has been transformed. Even all the
dogs and cats have been gobbled up. Zoms don’t eat each other. So what is a zom
to do?
If our observations are right, you
could suggest that some of the more isolated zoms might “power down” as we have
explained before. However, zoms respond to movement. Any movement. Including
movement of other zoms. This is why cities full of these things never go into a
power down mode. They just keep shuffling.
Now those zoms who are on the
outskirts of Claremore, say the south side, may eventually get it through their
rotting heads that there is no more food to be chased. At which point, one
Alpha Male looks in the direction of Catoosa and that wide open stretch of
highway. They think to themselves, “I bet food is down there” and they shamble
off. Those closest in the direction of that Alpha Male start following and the
next thing you know, the herd is off and shambling. And then you get that
domino effect where the larger the horde, the more like are that other zoms are
going to join in. Some zoms will be too stupid, too isolated, or to injured to
keep up. They get left behind and inevitably become the powered down zoms as
have been discussed.
Now, granted, we cannot do scientific
tests or anything but the logic sounds pretty freakin’ stable. So if a horde of
zoms comes staggering through Langley, we want them to just cruse on by and
keep shuffling down the road. How can we do that? Because if a horde catches
scent of 20+ people trapped in this grocery store, they could come at us full
force and it could be so relentless that they find their way in and we cannot
fend them off. So how do we keep them all shamblin’ on?
I think we need to fool them into
believing that zoms have already conquered the town and that there is no food
left. Now, the counterpoint to this argument is that if a horde rolls through
and they see a bunch of fellow zoms already in town, the horde may hang out to
see why the original crew hasn’t shuffled down the road like they are doing. It
is a legitimate possibility.
However, much the same way that zoms
don’t eat other zoms, we have a theory that zoms can sense a certain level of
distress in fellow zombies. I believe that zoms can tell if other zoms are
eating good or not. It is more of an instinctual thing but I think they just
no.
Now, before you read our next
statement, I need to reiterate something here. You are on my side. I’ve talked
about my kid, my parents, God, my love of Arnold Schwarzenegger, boobies, all
that sort of stuff. So I am normal. I am not some serial killer in training
posing as a normal human being. You got that? Okay…
I am calling this “The Bob
Initiative.” We need to start capturing zoms and incapacitating them. Then we
cut off their arms and legs. This leaves them to be just a torso and a head.
(So, yes, if we dropped them in the lake they would bob up and down in the water.)
We then take these undying, undead torsos and heads and lash them to
T-Posts. T-Posts are metal poles that you make barbed wire fences with. We then
take these zombie-carry fence posts out to the grassy ditches outside the store
and start setting up a perimeter of starving zoms that cannot go anywhere. All
they can do is wail and gnash their teeth… unless we remove their teeth too.
Then, if a horde rolls through, they
will think A) this place is already filled with zoms, B) surely everything has
already been eaten, C) these dudes ain’t doing so hot, and finally D) maybe we
should just keep on moving.
The perimeter fence of zoms should
mask our presence but still be far enough out that we are not smelling them
like last week’s road kill. I know that this whole article makes me seem like a
demented serial killer but I really think this logic is sound. However, even I
will admit that just typing this out makes me sound scary and introducing it to
the group will not be an easy sell.
But I have time on my hands. My theory
is that we should go after the T-Post Zoms during the winter months when they
are frozen from the cold, making them easier and safer to bring down…
Jeez, I need to go watch a marathon of
Disney movies or something to lighten my brain up…
