Okay so, first things first, Happy
Halloween. We have got a lot of stuff going on today and I am not certain how
many articles I will get to write. So, in case I miss it, Happy Halloween. I
really would rather be taking kids to a Trunk or Treat or a school carnival
than where we are right now. But wish in one hand and you-know-what in the
other and see which one fills up first right?
So, today’s article is pretty
important and I am sorry for not getting around to this subject sooner. It is a
funny thing. It is one thing to see a zombie. We have all seen the special
effects in movies but it is a whole other animal to actually see a deceased,
rotting corpse walking around. It is another thing to smell a zombie. If you
have ever been close enough to experience roadkill baking on the concrete
highway in the August heat, you know what I am talking about. And keep in mind,
vultures and other carrion birds have already pecked out and eaten all the
juicy parts. But another aspect (and perhaps one of the worst) is to hear a
zombie.
For this article, I want to imagine
Zombie Zack. Recently turned after a nasty bite to his calf, Zombie Zack has
reanimated and is now in search of food. As a lone zom shambling about he makes
constant sounds. It is a wet gargling noise like he has a dump truck load of
phlegm in his lungs that he refuses to cough out. So it just wheezes and
percolates inside his lungs. And he is not trying to be quiet about it either.
He is shambling around and in the
distance, he hears an audible keening. I know that is a term typically reserved
for a banshee but I seriously doubt the supernatural police are going to come
and arrest me. For whatever reason, something clicks in that rotting zom brain.
It is like a sound that they recognize and use to communicate with one another.
And that specific keening is like shouting a sentence that Zombie Zack and all
other zoms in the area seem to understand. “I’ve found food!”
Zombie Zack hears this call and
issues out a response call. Now, like lighting the beacons of Minas Tirith, if
there are any other zoms in the area, the call is passed along. Zombie Zack now
moves with surprising accuracy toward the zom that first issued that initial “I
found food” call.
As it turns out, it is a pack of
college frat douches that are now on the run, not realizing they are running
right towards Zombie Zack. Once Zack sees that sweet, sweet meat that has been
marinated in Jägermeister and Axe Body Spray, he then issues the “I found food” call.
Now, unfortunately in our group of frat boys, there
was the fat kid with comedic nickname “Tiny” who impressed everyone with how
quickly he could shotgun a beer. But Tiny failed to work on his cardio and
Zombie Zack drug him to the ground. It was then the smorgasbord began. Now, if
you think the “I found food” call is loud, step it up about 25% in volume and
duration to understand the “I am actually eating food” call. This also brings
all the other zoms in the area shuffling that much faster.
I wish I could properly describe what
a zombie moan sounds like. It is a strange amalgam of a high pitched exhale of
air that is somehow blended with this deep rumbling bass. However they do it,
this keening has the ability to resonate. It echoes across the parking lot of
the store when they wail. And like I said, that keening acts like a freaking
homing beacon. It is something like whales where they can understand each
other’s moans and yowls.
It doesn’t help that the ambient noise
outside has dropping down to nothing. There are no more cars, trucks, air
conditioners, and all that. So that keening shriek cuts through the air like a
freaking knife… especially at night and usually right around the time that you
have drifted off to sleep. And much like wolves or a pack of dogs howling in
the night and if one lets out an odd scream, they are all going to.
I
need to get an audio recording but zombies have this strange keening wail. It
is an odd thing because they seem to scream without breathing. I will see what
I can come up with…
