Shakespeare said that some people are
born to greatness and others have greatness thrust upon them. From the very
beginning of this whole catastrophe, there were never any illusions. Fred was
our leader. His demeanor, his attitude, his fatherly approach, his age, and his
military training made him the obvious choice. He wasn't voted. He wasn't
elected. He just was.
From training the sortie teams that
let us go outside, to reinforcing the store, to weapons training, to keeping us
all alive, Fred was integral to our survival. So when he came back with a bite,
it wasn't just disheartening. It was soul crushing. I look back on their sortie
mission to Pryor. They did come back with bags full of ammunition that will
save our lives multiple times over. But I think everyone is going to look back
and wonder "What if?"
Keith's death hit us all pretty hard
because he took the option out of our hands. Audrey was lost outside of the
store. There was no burial, no chance to say goodbye. Fred was hit but they
managed to get him back here. Despite all our attempts, all we could do was
make Fred as comfortable as possible. But when time started to grow short for
Fred, we all knew it. And most importantly, Fred knew it. So I was really
surprised when Fred asked me to come to the Produce Prep Room. The fever was
taking over him. He was clearly in pain but I wanted this clearly noted. He was
lucid. He was in his right mind. He asked me to come to the back room and then
asked everyone else to leave.
Before I could ask him what was going
on, he took out his pistol – his trademark weapon that he carried everywhere –
and handed it to me. There was no doubt what he wanted. When I asked him why
me, he said it had to be me. It was part of my qualification for command. He
told me that I was the person that had to take over. I literally scoffed at
him.
Now, I am a self-aware guy. I don't
want to sound like I am bragging but I have come up with a lot of good ideas
that have kept us safe and sane. But I am not a leader. I don't think I can
command respect like Fred does. I mean... I always felt like I bridged the
gaps. I was young enough to relate to the younger guys but not so young that I
was out of place with the older people. Now that I think about it, maybe that
is why Fred chose me. To bridge the gap between everyone. Still, this is not a
responsibility that I wanted. Fred wants me to be the leader, the protector of
our family. And he baptized me into this role in blood. Fred asked me to put
him down. He did not believe in suicide. And this perfectly encapsulates Fred.
He looked at me and said, "You must lower me into the steel. I cannot self-terminate."
His comment made me laugh and took
away the tension. He went and quoted a line from one of my favorite movies, by
my favorite movie star, to put me at ease. It is strange. We all know the drill.
If you are bit, you are turning. It is not if, it is when. So by doing this,
you are being merciful. You are putting them out of their misery and making
sure they are not a threat to the rest of us. You tell yourself all these
things. But all that theory and practice goes out the window when you cock that
hammer back on the pistol and put it to a father figure's head.
It was surreal. Weapons are so
associated with fear. But I leveled that pistol off... And all Fred could talk
about was how much he loved me and that he knew he was leaving the group in
good hands. He smiled and I pulled the trigger.
Now, I move forward. I do so in his
memory. I cannot think of a better person to follow in the footsteps of...
LOST MEMBER: Freddie Cox – Spavinaw,
OK
