Back in August, we chronicled how we
are lighting the bodies of the killed zombies on fire to hopefully burn out the
virus, cut down on the stench, and improve the sanitary conditions of our
living arrangements. But also keep in mind, we burning bodies in our metal
charcoal lined trailer after these things have taken a dirt nap for a second
time.
I cannot stress this enough. Zombies
are vulnerable to fire but do not use it to try to fight them. Why is using
fire as a weapon a problem? You are probably more likely to burn down your home
than take them out with fire...
Now, as we have explained in the past,
zoms do not have cognitive processes. They do not think. But that does not mean
that they do not possess a very rudimentary survival instinct. It is these same
instincts that prompt them to feed and shamble and (more or less) shut down to
“sleep.” And what we have seen is that zoms do seem to have a natural aversion
for fire but I don’t want you to think that a moat of fire will keep you safe.
Let me explain…
If a tractor trailer hauling diesel
fuel has overturned and transformed the highway into a burning lake of fire,
zoms will not just mindlessly shuffle into this conflagration. They do seem to
have enough common sense in their decomposing mind to at least say, "Fire
bad."
But now let’s change the scenario and
you are utilizing a burning ditch or, like we mentioned, a moat. Moats are a
common tool of the aristocratic zombie hunter. So you are safe on your island
inside the moat. Zoms are approaching from all sides. You take a swig of your
cognac, laugh at the shuffling dead and then toss your imported Cuban cigar
into the moat that you have filled with a highly flammable amalgam of oil and
diesel and, I don’t know, kerosene…
Sure, there is a burst of flames but
if zoms see you on the other side, they are going to Johnny Cash that bitch and
walk through the burning ring of fire. (See what I did there? Boom!) Now it is
possible that wading through all of that burning fuel may consume their bodies
and you may in fact be safe. But if it is not burning hot enough, if the moat
is not deep enough, and they make it into your supposedly safe interior… Well,
congratulations, you are now in a round of melee fisticuffs with a zom that is
on fire and coming to eat your brains. Even if there are blazing trails of
fire, zoms will plow through that fire without even a second thought to get to
the meat on the other side.
What have we learned, kids? You have
to destroy the brain to destroy a zom and it would take a long time for
straight fire to destroy a brain. So if you have any grandiose dream of taking
out a shamble of these things with a flamethrower, you need to chig-gity-check
yourself before you wreck yourself.
So just remember. Fire bad but not bad
enough to kill unless it is really big and really hot.
