I find that I have
been sleeping a lot lately. Maybe it is the fact that the days are getting
shorter. I still get up at the same time but I feel like I am turning in
earlier than usual and naps are being taken more often. And I am not taking the
naps because I need them… I think it is more because I don’t want to face the
reality of my situation. The sad thing is that I acknowledge that this is
happening but I still find myself crawling into bed and it is not even like I
am crawling in there with someone.
I am trying to
function and stay strong for Alex. I feel like since the loss of Fred, people
are still looking to me for leadership but my leadership skills have not really
been tested yet. People are in routines now and our living conditions are
tolerable. The more comfortable we become, the more downtime we have. And
during that downtime, reality comes creeping in. I am struggling with the
inevitable loss of anyone and everyone that is not in this store. I would
rather sleep than face the reality of my situation.
Despite my best
attempts to hide this from the group, apparently I don’t have much of a poker
face. I guess this is pretty evident to the group because Shala seems to go out
of her way to come around to check on me. Then, Jennifer came to me quietly
while Alex was up on the roof with Lance, Kasondra and Brad. Having full access
to the pharmacy, she handed me a prescription bottle filled with these blue
capsules.
She wants me to get
on an antidepressant. I guess knowing me from before the zombie apocalypse and
seeing me now – this shell of my former self – she wanted me to get back on
even keel. I am not anti-drug and I am sure they helped millions of people
every year. I know they tremendously helped both my sister and sister-in-law.
But I see medicine for depression being effective when it is anxiety or
depression that cannot be explained. “I just won the lottery… and I want to
kill myself.” You should be happy as all get out. And if you are not, then
something must be wrong and maybe medication is best for you.
But I am not
depressed because of some chemical imbalance. I am depressed because my family
members might be wandering around as flesh-eating zombies. We know that
Oklahoma City has been overrun. And this stage, I am sure more than a few have
shambled out to the suburb of Piedmont. Are a horde of these things are
pounding on the front door of my sister’s house right now trying to get at her
and her three kids? And if so, what am I doing about it?
Lance seems happy as
a pig in slop because he spends a considerable amount of time on the roof
picking off zoms and bragging about head shots. Maybe I need to turn my
attention towards something productive. Still, I look at the pictures I keep in
my wallet. I look at the pics on my cell phone of my dad, his wife, my sister
and her three kids. And then I scroll through to the pictures of my mom.
Is she better off
having passed away before all of this tragedy took place? I know she looks down
on me from heaven. For all I know, my dad, my sister, and my whole family are
with them. It hurts. It hurts so much it is like I want to tear my own heart
out of my chest. And I just want to sleep. Even now, I want to lie down. I just
cannot take it anymore.
I need to be strong
for my son. I cannot let him see me weak. But there are times where I don’t
even want to wake up in the morning. I thought I was past all that pain but for
reasons I cannot explain, feelings just seem compounded and multiplied and I
cannot explain why. Where do I go from here?
